User blog:THEJJRAT/Venturian
Oof Challaout War. War never changes. The Romans waged war to gather slaves and wealth. Spain built an empire from its lust for gold and territory. Hitler shaped a battered Germany into an economic superpower. But war never changes. In the 21st century, war was still waged over the resources that could be acquired. Only this time, the spoils of war were also its weapons: Petroleum and Uranium. For these resources, China would invade Alaska, the US would annex Canada, Australia was invaded for its australium, and the European Commonwealth would dissolve into quarreling, bickering nation-states, bent on controlling the last remaining resources on Earth. This is a slideshow. In 2077, the storm of world war had come again. In two hours, most of the planet was reduced to cinders. And from the ashes of nuclear devastation, a new civilization would struggle to arise. A few were able to reach the relative safety of the large underground Vaults. Your family was part of that group that entered Vault 024. Imprisoned safely behind the large Vault door, under a mountain of stone, a few dudes have lived with knowledge of the outside world. Life in the Vault is about to change. Chapter One Butts N.C., during the Great War "Billy, get the root beer!" Papa screamed, hauling his closet full of objects on his back. He pushed it out the window, where piles of crap laid while Gertrude attempted to stuff it all in the car. "Alright Papa!" Billy yelled, shooting the Root Beer Holder Device Mark 9000 out the window with his mind powers, running outside and pulling out his tool gun. He shot the device, then back at the car, which magically created a rope. He did this several times before running back inside. "Papa, we need to get to the vault!" Gertrude screamed from outside the house. "Not yet, woman! I still have a few more thins to pack-" Papa was then run over by Sue, who was hauling out a box full of shampoo. "DJ KEBAB" they both screamed, falling down the stairs. "Oh my god, I think my leg's broken!" Sue screamed, his leg not working. Billy approached. "We have to set the leg." Papa ran back up the stairs, rolling inside of his room and flipping his bed open with his gravity gun. He saw it, his prized possession. Jeremy, the robot eye. He kissed the robot it's red eye hole, before stuffing it into his pants and running down into the basement. Note that he was wielding his shotgun during this. Meanwhile, Gertrude was stuffing one of Papa's old Johnny Toast androids into the back of the truck. "Are we gonna die, ma'am?" he asked, noting the sirens and screaming in the distance. "Probably, but at least we have the rootbeer." Papa ran down the stairs, in his old basement. Cobwebs and green mushrooms were scattered around the room, along with poop and mustard stains. He ran for the door on the left, ignoring the rest of the boxes. It was protected by a bulletproof mustachiun spaghettium alloy, after all. They could "go back" after the war, he thought. And there he was, caged up on the right side of the room. Jeremy Acachalla. He approached the cage, Jeremy snarling and backing up onto the wall. "It's okay, little brother." Papa said. He then ripped off his clothes. He was covered in honey and spaghetti sauce. He then ripped off the metal cage door, Jeremy sniffing Papa's blubber. The experiments made him love these two food items, for whatever reason. It was a signal that whoever wore the food was the ally. He gave a gentle nod and stood by Papa's side, like a royal dog alongside his owner. Papa rushed up to the top of the stairs, half naked and covered in honey. "IT BURNS MY EYES" Spencer said, who caught a moment of Papa's whale blubber. He turned to dust, dead as a rusty pickle. "Oh hey, it's dust!" Sue said, collecting Spencer's remains into a jar. Papa ran out the door, the sun reflecting on his honey covered body. He walked towards the car, Gertrude carrying an arm full of crap from the pile. "Inside." Papa said, Jeremy crawling into the back. Papa smiled, before turning turning around and hijacking a fleeing neighbor's car and driving away. "Where the hell are you going?!" Gertrude asked. "I ain't leavin' my dawg!" Papa screamed, now out of view. "Where's he goin' mama Gertrude?" Billy asked, confusion and sadness in his tone and eyes. Gertrude stayed silent, packing the rest of the crap up. "M-mama Gertrude?" Billy asked, still being ignored. His head sunk, and he marched to the car and sat in the back that's not really the back. He stared at the crayons and coloring book Gertrude left him, a tear escaping his eyes. While Sue played soldiers with his shampoo bottles next to him. "HOW THE ACTUAL HELL AM I GOING TO FIT THE DINOSAUR INTO THE CAR" Gertrude screamed. "That's easy, first you touch his baby teef, his lil' baby teef." Sally sung, opening Freddy's dinosaur mouth and slapping his dagger-like teeth. This made him shrink down to the size of a squirrel. She opened her mouth, but no words left. She shut the door and walked over to the driver's seat, shoving her keys in the thing and turning on the car. "Where are we going?" Sally asked, playing dog fights with her two waffle action figures. "Where we're going, we're gonna need roads." Gertrude turned the music louder, hopefully to filter out the sirens. She drove to the vault they bought weeks ago, they used up all their Acachalla Dollars. She was mad at him, she though they were never going to use it. Unfortunately, she was wrong. "Three chicken tenders - taters and gravy. I'll throw in a biscuit, and a big ol-" Suddenly, the radio went to static. "Are you kidding me- oh my god...." Gertrude muttered, her eyes widening and her jaw dropping. "What's wrong, Mama Ger-MY EYES" Billy screamed, his eyesight turning white. This happened to all two of them. "WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS" Sue screamed, confused as a rat with the name of Monday. This didn't effect Gertrude, as she wore sunglasses, but the sight was still harrowing. She was slightly glad that her children were blinded. She drove on, ignoring all the people on the streets begging for help. She was dead set on getting to the vault. The end of the world didn't change that. However, she did stop when she was caught in a road block by a crashed vertibird, likely delivering supplies to Papa Acachalla's factory before the bomb dropped. She hit the glove department in frustration, before seeing a familiar face out on the road. olden 10 A.D, McDonald's Vrrooom, vrrroom, vrrrooom... Toilet Toucher stepped out of the blue box, wearing his iconic white shirt and glasses. He walked into the kitchen, where a mysterious red-skinned man in robes was cooking chicken nuggets. "Ahem." Toucher coughed, gaining the attention of the mysterious man. He grinned under his hood, and poured the nuggets he made on two silver plates. "Take a seat." the man said, gesturing to the table in front of them. Toucher gulped, hesitantly walking to the table and pulling a chair back. The hooded man placed some ketchup packets on the plate, before turning around and putting them on the table. "Care for a nugget?" the man asked, pushing the second plate towards Toucher. "Uh, sure..." Toucher replied, taking a nugget and munching on it. "I... saw the text you sent me on Instragram." Toucher said. "And you agree to our offer?" the man asked, his voice sounding of distorted whispers. "Well, uh... Yes, but-" "But what?" the man asked, a hissing-like tone in his voice. Toucher certainly didn't expect to be selling a soul to Satan, to ensure his "father" being born, of all people. "Err, I don't really have a soul." Toucher admitted, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck. "... What?" "Yeah, I kinda sold it to Yog-Sothoth a while back, so I could have infinite knowledge about toilets." Toucher replied, doing a fake smile. The hooded man was silent for a moment. "So... Why are you here?" "Because I got another soul!" Toucher said, pulling out a scroll and rolling it out. "Sign here, here, here, and.... Here." Toucher said, pointing at various spots on the page. The man paused, before pulling a pen out of his pocket. With blood red ink, he wrote "Lucifer" several times on the paper. "Thank you, pleasure doing business." Toucher smiled, patting him on the back. He got up from the chair, taking the plate of nuggets and rolling the scroll back up. Toucher left for his TARDIS, Satan not noticing the P.I.E. tracking device on his shoulder. And that he sold his soul to himself. Chapter One 10 A.D, Sparta Susan looked around the McDonald's. There was some moss, blood, and skeletons, but the marble was stil clean for it's age. "Hmmmm...." he though, rubbing his non existent beard. "Honey, I think we'll take it." Susan said proudly to his wife, Gramama. She remained unimpressed. "In Soviet Russia, we had big Burger Kings. Twice size of this piece of rotten vodka." she replied. "Well we aren't in Russia." Susan said, slightly agitated. idk Twas' 1982. The year pickle farmers gained rights after the Pickle Farmer Civil War of 1910. The world was crawling with... pickle farmers. They farmed so much pickles, people died of pickle posioning. Johnny Ghost, paranormal investigator extraordinaire, was heading to Pickle Town, home of the pickles, to investigate reports of a ghost haunting the pickle farmers. He drove in with his 1986 food truck he bought off eBay. It was made of dynamic surround sound titanium, with golden plating. It used to belong to Papa Acachalla and his old apprentice, Papa Challa, back in 1947 when they ran a hotdog industry. This didn't last long, however, due to the Sciatic Nerve Letter of 1948 that outlawed hotdogs. Wasn't until 1949 that it became legal again, but the damage had been done between Papa and Challa. "I don't like pickles, Johnny. I like tea and crumpets." Toast complained, being forced to eat pickles during the ride. "Johnny, I know you're depressed, but this isn't the way. You don't have to eat the pickle, Johnny, just eat it. That's all. That's all you can do." Ghost cried. "What in the flying crackers does that mean?" "Johnny stop!" Ghost cried, grabbing Toast and breaking his arm. "WHAT THE HELL GHOST" "YOU HAVE A WEAPON" Ghost screamed, grabbing Toast's flashlight. "That's a flashlight" "no it's a lightsaber" Ghost said, throwing it out the window. "THAT WAS GIVEN TO ME BY MY GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDMOTHER BEFORE SHE DIED" Toast screeched, jumping out the window of the car and flying down the road, getting hit by multiple cars. Ghost didn't stop the car, he had a job to do. Indiana 1957, Papa Acachalla's 7/11 It was a slow day at the 7/11. The 7/11 was a deserted ghost town, except for the random bloke who came in for a slushie. Papa was counting his money from tonight - exactly ten bucks. He sighed, he was planning on getting atleast eleven. He shoved the cash registers down his pants and walked to the glass sliding doors, about to set up the 'closed' sign. However, a car drove up to the 7/11. "Probably a buyer... I'm sure I won't mind if I kept the store open for another hour." Papa thought to himself. He then set the sign on fire, stomping on it while singing Sweet Home Alabama. The lone slushie drinker looked on in horror. The driver stepped out of his car, looking on to the nearly broken down 7/11. It looked almost ancient, as if the owner used spray-on rust to lure in health inspectors. He put on his brown fedora and walked through the automatic sliding doors, inspecting the room. To his right, there was a fat bald man stomping on a fire. To his left, there was a lone dollar bill on the counter. He walked among the stalls of various items, and grabbed a milk chocolate bar from a shelf. He went over to the toy section, exploring the store and its contents before his next adventure. "Dig Up Dino Fossil", read the label of a plastic package. He eyed the product for a moment, before grabbing it and returning to the front. He grabbed a 7-Up bottle and stepped over to the counter, flicking the bell. The sound of the DING went through Papa's ears, before his brain finally caught up and realized what was going on. "FIRE!" he screamed, snatching the bottle of soda from the customer's hand and slamming it against the wall, pouring the contents onto the fire. The customer stared on, watching him desperately try to take out the fire. "Whew, that was close. Whaddya want, hotshot?" Papa asks the man clad in a white shirt and fedora. "A soda and whatever I just put on the table.... " the man said under his breathe, pouring the chocolate bar and toy onto the counter. Papa nodded, walking behind the counter. "That'd be 15 dollars." "15 dollars? For a chocolate bar?" "And a limited edition dino-dig-up toy." Papa said in an annoyed tone. The customer sighed and looked through his man purse. "Do you accept gold coins?" read this The date was 2017. Shrek was eating pie with Spiderman in shreks swamp when he noticed that Spiderman didn't like shoes so shrek slapped spidey and this made his feet die and spiderman screamed so he summoned Johnny ghost who then summoned quetzalcoatl from miss kobayashi's dragon maid so spiderman screamed and shrek was scared so they ran and they ran so Johnny and the thic dragon follow and they found themselves in papa acachalla who was a great big statue and they scream and run but papa says quad ample and picks them up and swallows them so they fall into his tummy which is inhabited by alien grunts from black mesa so they scream but pull out shotguns and shoot them in the legs and they die but then puke dragon eggs so quetzalcoatl or watever her name was took the dragon eggs while they scanned the room for intruders and found that the walls for fleshy because it was in his tUmmy "This is awful. Who would send big baby aliens to fight me?" Shrek asks. "I dunno but want a taco" Ghost asked. Shrek, because his cousin Drake Bell is a taco, is offended and attempts to kill Ghost. Spiderman denies this and makes a rocket launcher appear into thin air. He then shot Shrek. Shrek exploded into bits. This caused Spiderman to turn into a sack of potatoes. This was threatened by Shriek when he came to them and stopped it. They thanked Shriek for saving them. Suddenly, a portal opens and big packets of sausage appears. They are evil aliens sent to assassinate Donald Trump. However they fail when Shrek enslaves them and sends them to his swamp. However, more of them appear and they take a Black Ops assassin and Combine assassin hostage. Shrek, not wanting these women to die, eats the packets and they beg for mercy. Shrek then asks who sent them. They said the Evil Company of Big Taco Seals. Shrek gasped and broke their legs. They then free the assassins while Johnny loots a chest and finds an AK-47. He puts this to good use and shoots a taco on the floor. This causes his left leg to explode for reasons. He screams but then grows it back. He is confused but agrees. They then shoot the walls of flesh while shrek is kissed by the assassins for his heroic acts so papa statue pukes them out and they fly across the world and land in a local McDonald's in Russia. Johnny enters and the rest follow and see Putin drinking vodka and dancing and killing a bear with his legs. The others automatically dance while quetzalcoatl sits down with her eggs and orders a big Mac with extra dip so the cashier falls in love with quet who is now going to be called water so he makes it extra large just like her so he gets the dip and adds extra egg shells so he gets the extra dip and some more dip and he goes to water's table but trips and dies but water revives him and they get married and fly off into the sunset so shrek flies after them because she stole alien grunt eggs but she fired rockets at shrek so he got a hit in the leg and crash landed in Europe Winter ' Winter' is a fanfiction novel written by THEJJRAT. Partially inspired by TheLoneClone's The Cabin in the Woods, Winter takes place after a failed hiking trip leads to the freezing landscape of North Bootyburg. Finding a cabin abandoned long ago, the hikers take refuge, but soon discover something is off with the snow ridden forest.. Characters Like TCITW, Winter has alternate characters from that of canon VenturianTale, due to taking place in a little world I like to call the "Scootiverse"..... Note: Takes place in 2013. Main Characters *Captain Phasma *Teenage Slenderman *Sue Acachalla *Barnacle Soup *Johnny Ghost *Bobby *Nuka Toucher *The Thing Side characters These guys are going to be in flashbacks, time skips but backwards, or the prologue. *Johnny Toast *Slender Man *Jordan *Isaac *Commissioner Drake *The Gertion family There was originally more main characters, but I thought it would be both easier to write and to maintain with a smaller cast, and the plot wouldn't get convoluted. Prologue 'LBPD station, Little Butts, New Mexico' "Alright, Sue..." the commissioner, reading the report on a recent bank robbery in Little Butts, said. He had a hint of disappointment and annoyance in his voice, which had confused Sue. Hadn't he just stopped a robbery? ''From Little Butt's worst crime lord? From a department ''that couldn't stop someone with a teleportation device? '' "The Gertions... robbed a little bank in the middle of nowhere..." Drake muttered, flipping through the papers. "And you get the bright idea to shoot a mobster eleven times in the arm, and once in the foot? Said mobsters BEING HIS SON?!" Drake yelled, slamming the paper on the desk. "W-well, he was trying to shoot Bob! It's not liked I killed him or-" "I'm sorry, Sue, but this ain't a movie. He nearly bled out on the scene and... Oh, had to get his arm amputated, would you look at that?" Drake said, passing a medical report to Sue. "How is that my fault? Next time, don't point a g-" "Next time, don't empty your assault rifle into his arm. I thought you were trained by a former member of SEAL Team Six?" "I was nervous! I'm never collected when I'm nervous!" "Why were you nervous?" "Because I wasn't expecting somebody to rob the bank that I was taking a dump in?" he shrugged. "We're getting off topic... The point is, this is the sixth time this week you've almost killed somebody. Normally, I wouldn't care. But now you've pissed off Gertion, and ''now this cannot be tolerated." Drake said, grabbing the papers off the table and beginning to put them away. "So what are you gonna do? Fire me? I'm the most suckish officer on the-" "Yes, actually. You're fired." Drake interrupted. Sue paused for a moment, perplexed and shocked, utterly bamboozled, before he went off. "Fire me?! My father was a member of SEAL, he survived the Black Mesa incident, he-" "Your father's dead, Sue." 'A boat sailing near Little Butts, New Mexico ' The U.S.S. Soup. ''The flagship of the Soup family, and boy, she was a beaut. The prized possession of Chakalata Soup II, who bought it off some lousy Rook Island pirates. Didn't know what they lost, for sure. The ship was in the middle of the vast oceans, heading towards New Mexico. They were on a course to the small city of Little Butts, to sell off their nets full of horseshoe crabs, tuna, and feesh. Clone '''Rated T (or M idk) for mild cursing, violence, drug(stick) use, and possible horror themes ' This is nothing like the simulations, the clone trooper thought. As he marched across the warm desert of Raekta with his squad, sand flowed through the air, hitting his armor and sliding off like liquid mercury on a can of Sprunk. He wasn't used to this kind of terrain, he was fresh out of Kamino and on his first mission. And the simulations certainly didn't prepare you for the heat. Normally, a trooper wouldn't need to worry about such a thing, but he was given a defected suit of armor that they found at Raxus Prime. "One man's trash is another man getting saved from a blaster bolt", as his trainer put it. He liked his armor, though, it was probably less tight than whatever his comrades were wearing. They were currently marching towards a Seperatist-owned research base, that was attempting to weaponize a strange artifact they had found. The briefing file told of a "Cluckin' Bell fowl wrap with extra dip", a food item from another galaxy. As it contained space germs that would certainly kill the average clone, the CIS were attempting to sneak it into the average Republic mess hall. Of course, the plan was leaked when someone was meddling around in the memory banks of a dead battle droid. The clone suddenly halted when his brothers did the same; he assumed that they made it to a base or something. A quarian Jedi approached them, and he knew it was about to get spicy. "Men, we are entering a CIS-owned research lab. If any of you paid attention during the brief, you'll know that they are experimenting with an alien food item. It is described as solid flour in the form of a roll, with meat of an unknown species and a variety of unknown plants stuffed inside, with a sauce of unknown origin." she said, pressing her two fingered hands together and surveying the squad, her two cloud-like eyes jotting to trooper to trooper. Yeah yeah, I just wanna get this done and go home to a pot of beetle broth and a side of baked dru'un slices in garlic sauce, the clone thought. Patience is a virtue, said his trainer. He never quite understood that. Suddenly, a dropship flew past them. Yep, that was the commandos. Lambda Squad. What now? the trooper thought. He hoped it didn't mean they were going in for a suicide mission, and he silently hoped RC-9382, Dura, smashes some clankers. They were friends, but only at the mess hall in Kamino. "You will proceed into the base silently, using your T-38 'Stealth Boy' wrist devices, which has been issued to all of you." the quarian shouted, looking back and forth at the troopers before locking onto CT-113, the clone that we're stalking via this fanfiction, that serves as a portal to another far away realm. He instantly swallowed a ball of saliva forming at the back of his throat, Why is she staring at me? Does she notice my compact height? My armor? Am I holding my blaster wrong? Is she into me? "You, the short one in the back." Oh Christ, she's gonna kill me... he thought. He didn't trust Jedi after they sliced his dad's head off, not even the pretty ones. "Come." the Jedi said, the troopers all turning their heads to CT-113. He hesitated, but began his journey after his brothers made a path for him. When he was finally face-to-face with her, she stared at him for a moment, as if expecting him to say something. And her eyes moved down his body armor.. "W-what is it, J-um..." he blurted out. He almost said Jedi, but that was a one way ticket to sounding like a Sith. "Val. You can call me Val." the quarian said, her drill instructor voice softening to that of a mother's. He was extremely uncomfortable, especially with one of his brothers breaking into laughter behind him. He put his head up and cleared his voice, "What... do you wish, Jedi Knight Val?" he said in the strongest New Zealand accent he could pull off. The CIS base Two scientists - high on death sticks - slammed around on a huge key board connected to a glass containment tube, holding that of your average chicken crunch wrap. "We will harness the energy of this little treat... And bamboozle the Jedi!" Count Dooku said, breaking into a fit of evil laughter. The cyborg general next to him rolled his eyes. "Dooku, do you actually expect this to work?" Grevious asked, turning to the Sith. "Of course it will-Are you doubting my plan, Grevious?" Dooku asked. "H-how do you think smuggling food into a Republic base is going to work? Who is going to smuggle it? Wouldn't they detect the ger-" "SILENCE!" a voice from behind them screamed, them turning around to discover Darth Sidious. "I trust that Dooku will kill many clones with his diabolical plans of evil." the old saggy man said. Grevious was about to object, but a fit of coughing spared him from that mistake. "I'm sure that the clones will be eager to try out a new food; and will die from this fact. I paid good money for them to have Sesame Street videos as a part of training curriculum." Back at the desert thing ' "Because of your rather preferable height, I sense that you would fit in hard-to-reach areas, and I have read your file. You stopped a CIS transport of explosives by throwing a hotdog at them.. Correct?" 113 nodded, not sharing in on the fact that he was partially intoxicated on blue milk that night. "Therefor, I crown you as commander of this squad. I have good faith that you will leave your men to victory." the Jedi said, doing a short bow to him. ''Why me, God? '' arkham '''A McDonald's in the middle of nowhere... ' Bruce Wayne was a curious man. He liked to eat cheese burgers and beat people up in a bat cosplay. He was currently wearing his blue and grey rights and walking towards his "batmobile", a car that he used to run over bad guys and order food. He had just ordered a huge meal at the McDonald's, enough to feed the entirety of Africa. However, he was saving it for himself. And a little for his girlfriend, a crazy green skinned woman who liked plants. He formally had a cat cosplayer as a girlfriend, but he figured that green hips are best. "I like plants." Batman says, before falling over and breaking his left knee. He screamed in agony, before shooting into outer space. He saw Superman shooting at an alien spacecraft with an AK-47. "STOP RIGHT THERE" Batman says, putting on his kryptonite gauntlets and flew towards him, snapping his neck and leaving his corpse to drift in space. He then fell down to Earth and broke his kidneys. He grew some more kidneys and walked over to his car, getting inside. Poison Ivy, his current girlfriend, was in the left seat and trying on watermelon lipstick she found in a dumpster. Batman sat his booty down on the car's chair seat thing, turning on the radio and turning on the Jack Ryder show. "Gotham is being invaded by giant ant monsters with machine guns, led by the Joker. Batman has left the state, on a vacation to Nevada. Will he return? Will he-" he then changed it to Zilly in a Billy. He pulled out a bat snack from his belt, munching on it to tide him over for the main course. Ivy grinned and kissed him on the bat cheek, leaving a red smooch mark. "I'm Batman." Batman said, his hands on the wheel. He was waiting for his meal to come, he was starving from polishing his Riddler trophy. "I know...." Ivy said, staring at his dumbfounded face as her red hair flowed through the air. "HOW DID YOU KNOW" Batman screamed, pulling out a shotgun. She screamed in fear, "BECAUSE YOU'RE BATMAN" "OH" Batman screamed, eating the shotgun whole. "Mmmm, juicy." he noted, munching on the chewy shotgun shells. Suddenly, an alien appeared in front of the car. "die" it said, shooting a laser beam at Ivy. Batman turned the laser to dust with his stare, and snapped the alien's neck with his brain. He then dragged the alien into the trunk of the batmobile, before the Riddler arrived with the meal on ice skates. "Finally." Batman said, pulling the platter out of Edward's hands with his grapple gun. Said platter was nothing but a huge crate, containing the food. He then threw a gold bar, one he sneaked into his pocket while he was thwarting a bank heist, into the hands of Enygma. The Riddler gasped in excitement, returning to the McDonald's in glee. He then entered the batmobile with the crate, scooting next to the shocked and speechless Ivy. Presumably shocked for all three of these events. "Time for the bat meal baby" Batman said, drooling over the smell of the various foods as he ripped off the top of the crate. He was about to throw her a salad, before realizing that was cannibalism. Instead, he gave her a box of chicken nuggets and a coke. "T-thanks..." she said, realizing that Bats had propped the food into her frozen hands, trailing her eyes downwards to the scene which was her hands. "No problemo mcmemo, babe." Batman said, before shoving his head into the crate and eating out of it like that of a small pink animal known as a pig. He then got bored of eating and threw it in the back. "I... thought I ordered a McSpaghetti?" lvy commented, Batman staring blankly at her until he burst through the car window and teleported to the McDonald's. "THIS IS A ROBBERY" Batman screamed, shooting at the ceilings with a minigun and running to the vault. He ripped the vault door off and bagged the McGold, the McCash, all the McSpaghetti, and a sample of Ronald McDonald's blood. Before he got to the exit, the McSWAT arrived. "All righ', time ta' get McRekt!" the McSwat commander said, pulling out an AK-74. Batman then pulled out a Batsword, and swung it at them. They were then sliced in half and an explosion occured like in Power Rangers. He then ran out of the building and went to the Batmobile, throwing a bag of McSpaghetti at Ivy and driving off into the distance. "Thanks, Bats!" she said, hugging his batchest and once again smooching his left batcheek. Ivy was obsessed with spaghetti, more so than her plants. Understandable, spaghetti is objectively dank. Chapter 2: Revenge of MalwareBytes Batman and his green babe were driving around in the desert, listening and singing to Sweet Home Alabama. The majestic stench of hot McDonald's food, the alien corpse, Batman's sweat, and Ivy's seductive pheromones plagued the car, though Batman loved the concoction of smells. Ivy was cuddling up against Bats, while he created the cure to cancer with a fission battery and a baseball bat, while driving the car with his thighs. Her red hair smelled like spaghetti, blood, and strawberries. Batman noted this in case the information would later become useful. Batman then had an Arkham Asylum flashback, memories of TITAN thugs flooding into his brain. He screamed for exactly one second and returned to his cure of cancer creating. Suddenly, a gang of teletubbies shot rockets at the car and sent it flying into space. Batman quickly casted a spell that put a space suit on Ivy, as her primitive kind could not handle the oxygenless environment of space, unlike Batman. A huge space station was drifting throughout the galaxy, and that was a First Order-owned prison. He drove the car to the station, getting sucked in by a tracker beam. They were transported to the station's prison zone, where Billy Mays was teaching the stormtroopers how to make Oxiclean with onions and pizza boxes. Ivy felt down at the lack of plants on the station, as they were in space. "What is this place?" she asked, before a stormtrooper jumped on her and put handcuffs on her. Batman screamed and picked up the trooper, throwing him across the room. Another trooper threw a punch at him, Batman catching his fist and throwing him to the ground, twisting his arm and breaking it. The troop rolled across the floor, knocked out. Three troopers ran towards him, Batman kicking one where the sun don't shine and throwing a batarang at the other two. He then broke their legs with his brain, before realizing that a riot trooper was after him. He grabbed the baton from the trooper, bashing it against his skull and knocking him out instantly. Kylo Ren appeared, with various stormtroopers behind him. He turned on his saber and charged at Batman, who grabbed the saber out of his hands with his brain and flipped the crybaby "Sith" over, him screaming as he fell to the floor. Batman then jumped on him, knocking him in the crotch and knocking him out. The stormtroopers opened fire with their blaster rifles, but Batman easily made the blasters explode with magic. His head then expanded until it was huge, he opened his mouth, and slammed it down on the horde of troopers, chewing and chowing down on them as they screamed in agony and swallowed them, his head turning back to normal. A bunch of bats formed around their bodies, and then flew to Batman as he absorbed their bat souls, and leveled up. trillion The Trillion Year War is a short story written by THEJJRAT. It is Rated M for mild swearing, blood and gore, tobacco use, ' It takes place in a Scootiverse-version of the BYW, following a group of Black Operation commandos sent in during a terrorist attack on New York. It is a tie-in with Fan: Ocean Man. Characters *Papa Acachalla *Sarge *Jacobs *RT *RK *Rider The Trillion Year War '''Manhatten, 2021' Oscorp Tower. It was considered a safe haven in whatever was left of New York. They had food, water, clothing, and safety. Big guns, really big guns, too. Nobody trusted them after what went down in 2012, but who else was there? Murkywater trekking through the streets and blowing apart anybody that even looked at them silly? Today, however, people were either forced out of the building or shot. The tower was in flames, and the sirens were going off like crazy before suddenly being silenced. The government was alerted real quick, from either the loud ass sirens or phone calls from short lived citizens. Team Zero was sent in, since most of the military were busy in New Mexico and Anchorage. They were respected amongst their Marine and Armed Forces counterparts, as they saved most of their lives during the bombing of Harran, and the SCP-008 outbreak out in Carcer City. Sarge was the leader. He was the oldest, and the most experienced. Nobody knows his real name, however, since he mostly went silent after he came back from Japan. Said something about an android with pink hair. He's decked in a nanosuit and a SPAS-12. Then there's Pops. Papa Acachalla's his real name. He joined Black Ops when he was accidentally drafted into the army, when tripods attacked Little Butts. He's the dumbest, the fattest, but he packs a mean punch with his antique annabelle. RT was the explosives expert. He's young, but he can blow up an enemy submarine in minutes with the right tools. For now, though, he's usually limited to throwing grenades and opening doors. ^ member section is wip "They have hostages, Sarge. Move in." Jacobs said over their radio, the troopers rappeling from their vertibird. "I went here when I was a kid, school road trip. Those spiders always freaked me out." Rider commented, killing a pouncing headcrab with his pistol. "Would you keep the comments for after the mission, Rider?" RK asked. Rider ignored him, as he was the clueless yet serious member of the squad. "Commence door breach maneuvers. Looks like they sealed it shut." Sarge, leader of Zero, commanded. RT, the demoman of the squad, rushed over to the door and placed a C4 right on the lock. "Y'all better clear out for a moment." RT said, taking a step back before blowing it to kingdom come. They stormed the building, turning on whatever flashlight attachments their guns had. It was dark, only the red light of the siren lighting up the room. "Somebody restore the power. They didn't want anybody getting in." Sarge commanded, before checking the pulse of a security guard. "They'll pay for this." Also wip The halls of the building where drenched in American and the enemy's blood, shotgun shells and bloody chunks of meat scattered across the once mopped floors. Not to mentioned the bodies. "Jesus, this place stinks." RT muttered, before hopelessly checking the pulse of an corpse wearing Oscorp combat armor. It belonged to a soldier, probably living there at the time of the attack. Sarge heard him sigh, and caught a glimpse of him looking at the body's dog tags. "Poor kid..." Sarge said under his breathe. "What was that, squad leader?" RK asked, having heard his voice on the commlink. "Nothing, just wondering who the hell did this..." he lied, before silently muting his comms to make sure that won't happen again. "Uh, sir.... This ain't good." Rider yelled, bent on his knees and poking a body with the nose of his shotgun. "What is it now? Drago-Oh my God..." Sarge muttered, upon seeing the body. "Korean, ain't it?" Rider asked, looking over his shoulder at Sarge. "That's a Korean nanosuit, alright. Cheap knockoffs..." he gulped, staring the body in the blood stained visor. "I mean, couldn't he have loo-" "If he looted them, Rider, that means he either went to North Korea or there's NKs in New York. I don't like the sound of either." Sarge said, before moving his CryFibril covered hands all over the body. "Whut's North Kor-rai-uh?" Papa asked, scratching his bald heald. Sarge pulled out a holotape from the soldier's backpack. "Anybody got a Pip-Boy? Anything that can read holotapes?" he yelled out. Nobody responded, except Pops. "I got a mean jalapeno flavored salt shaker, if that's whut yuh meen." "Damn. They're using outdated tech to confuse us." Papa visits Papa Acachalla was walking his pet ant, hunting for scabs to add to his collection. Suddenly, he stumbled upon a Raising Canes. He lipped his licks and entered, shooting the cashier and taking hostages. He then ran into the bag and stuffed fried chicken into a duffle bag. "POLICE ASSAULT IN PROGRESS" his ant said, pulling out an AK-47. He was an FBI spy. "Anty! How could you?!" Papa asked. The ant said nothing and shot at him. Papa stepped on the ant, killing it instantly. Police swarmed the fast food place, shooting at Papa. Papa did a Force Repulse, turning the cops into dust. He then danced his way out with twelve bags of chicken tied to his leg. However, Shrek appeared. He was decked in battle armor and a sword. Papa shot him, but to no avail. Angered, Papa summoned a Phase Zero Darktrooper to fight Shrek. It shot a laser bolt at Shrek, sending him flying into space. Papa pet the dark trooper on the head and escaped with him via school bus. In Canada, where they escaped to, Papa had changed his name and left his family behind. He married the darktrooper, named Robert Chow, and lived a new life as a fish salesman. clone A long time ago, in a galaxy far... Far away.. The Empire was corrupted Galen Marek, and doomed the Rebellion to fail. Lord Starkiller and his squadron of storm troopers march onto Gingeria to kill some of the last remaining Jedi, but find that a more sinister enemy is amongst them.... Gingeria, 2017/2 BBY Earth-420 The troopers stood silently in the dropship, with the occasional man whispering to a friend about what happens when they land. They were being flown to an Imperial outpost on Gingeria, led by Starkiller's apprentice Luke Skywalker. A group of Jedi had crossed universe's in hopes of being spared from the Empire's bloodthirsty Rebel rampage. Unluckily for them, Starkiller is good at placing tracking devices. "Lord Starkiller, we have been informed by a.... "cooperating" rebel that the Rebellion have reinhabited an old Xenian factory, mass producing alien brutes and battle droids to fight against our troops." Marsen, in the form of a blue hologram sitting on Starkiller's palm, alerted. "We will be ready for them. That factory will be destroyed." Starkiller replied, almost turning the hologram off. "Actually, my lord, Darth Sidious has requested that the factory becomes Imperial property." Starkiller quickly channeled his anger and annoyance into use in battle. His hatred for Sidious grew by the minute. "Very well. We will be landing in Luke's camp in a few minutes. Be sure my soldiers have a meal waiting for them, captain." "As you wish, my lord." A trooper overheard this conversation, and become overjoyed. He was a clonetrooper, from the 501st. He was a... defected clone, who was accidentally created using the DNA of an old hotdog chef at Jabba's Palace, instead of Fett. He was dubbed Papa Acachalla by his fellow clones, likely due to his excellent cooking. He would often serve jalapeno cheddar sausages to his teammates after a hard day of war back in the day. "Watch those wrist rockets!", he thought. Putting some clankers in the junkyard would do him some good. He decided to share some war stories with Frank, a Novatrooper that he befriended during a failed rebel attack on the Death Star. "There was this one time where me and D-9 were fightin' clankers in da Gee-Oh-Noses when a friggin' commando dude came up and dun shot erryone!" Papa broke into laughter, slapping his plastoid-covered knee. Frank stared awkwardly into Papa's eyes, confused. Suddenly, the ship shook, making the stormtroopers fall face first onto the ground while screaming, Starkiller shaking his head. "We're here." The pilot said, taking a sip of bubblezap and reading a luxury droid magazine. Starkiller opened the sliding door of the ship with the Force, and gathered his fallen soldiers and threw them onto the radioactive grass of Gingeria also with the Force. Papa screamed in terror, falling onto a ginger snap and snapping it in half with his sheer belly weight. He threw his helmet off, revealing his bald head and ripe beard, and screamed some more. Frank facepalmed while Starkiller greeted his apprentice. Chapter One: Diet Fizzyglug Echo Base "Are you sure? It's him?" Kota ran up to the rebel sniper, forcing the macrobinoculars out of his hands. "Dear god... It's the boy..." the general muttered as he witnessed Starkiller inform Luke on their mission. "Marek? That boy you've always talked about?" Eldra Kaitis, a Twi'lek Jedi who accompanied Kota, asked. "We need to warn the factory. They don't stand a chance against... against Starkiller." Kota said, painfully remembering the past. Camp Eggs with Noodles Papa and his squad had moved into the training quarters of the camp, where they had a feast served by the local Gingerians, who welcomed the Emptied into their home. Likely because of the terrorists in green polluting their already nuked-to-hell homeworld. Starkiller was at the very front of the long dinner table, his presence making his men nervous even while eating. He tapped his metal claws onto the wooden platform, one by one, while a medical droid prepared his immune system to eat. The rest of the troopers had taken advanced anti-biotics beforehand, due to the germs that this galaxy introduced. His apprentice, the now Sith padawan Luke Skywalker (still wearing his iconic pilot outfit), sat silently along his master, a small smile across his face as he dined on the freshest cut ginger snaps on the planet. The breathing of Starkiller's helmet echoed throughout the room, giving some troopers goose bumps, and giving some vets nostalgia from before the death of Vader. Behind Starkiller were his Iron Fist; his three most loyal stormtroopers. A terror trooper who formally oversaw Starkiller's training, a Phase 0 dark trooper who was spared by Starkiller before he turned to the Dark Side, and a shadow guard he had defeated in combat on the Death Star. They silently watched the table like hawks, for potential Rebel assassins or traitors. They had tasted the food beforehand, checking for poison in case any of the gingerian chefs sneaked a little jarrin root into the dish. Except the dark trooper, his stomach stored power for the suit. Meanwhile, Papa helplessly poked at his food with a fork. Whatever it was; it was green, and had the texture of celery mixed with a giant fly. The chef called it "Goblano Ezcorr", which translated into "Goblin Meat". "Whut's this suppose to be?" he asked a magma trooper next to him, who was stuffing a chunk of deep fried lettuce squirrel into his mouth. Though the chewing heavily censored whatever he was trying to say, Papa could make out a "piece of kriff". Papa gulped, forcing a piece of strange green meat into his mouth. It was quite fatty, and tasted like gungan. He expected lettuce squirrels to taste like actual lettuce, for whatever reason. Papa liked the taste, as he ate large amounts of the stuff when they killed Darth Jar Jar and his army. Papa was still munching on the meat when he remembered he forgot his ACP scatter gun in the Death Star. He screamed out loud, due to how important that trusty old shotgun was to him. He killed so many droids (and rebels) with that baby. Everybody on the table stared at him, even Starkiller. When he realized his utter mistake, he was thankful the suit converted waste into blaster ammo. "Uh.... I dun left my gun at home?" he said, scratching the back of his bald head. Chapter Two: Shadows What I remember from the Battle of Gingeria, was how bloody it was. The 501st were sent to detain or kill an escaping group of Jedi under any means necessary. Starkiller led us into battle, but we certainly didn't expect what we saw in the factory. The 501st, and whoever else was stationed there, thought the only way we were going to escape was in a body bag. — Retired clone authors notes yo This is a prequel to a fanfiction novel I am writing, taking place in the alternate universe where Galen Marek is heavily injured and Darth Vader'd by Palpatine. AKA bad ending (or "yay the rebels died" ending depending on your world view) to TFU. Category:Blog posts